Hello Papaw

Every time August 1st comes around I remember it was your birthday........
I remember how you acted towards me, and how you were in a bad mood all the time. I knew to stay back away from you, when you were home, you just didn't want me near you.
I found out later that it was what I represented to you, an not me as a child. I guess it was me as a child too, because you resented having me in your home for my grandmother to take care of.
It seems that I was the offspring of the one person, who didn't go along with your rules, and at best I couldn't even rate the time of day from you since, you were mad at her for leaving me with my grandmother, to raise. You felt I was a burden on the household, and that I caused you more trouble than I was worth.
You said mean hurtful things to me and I was just a small child. It's very hard for a small child to understand the mean remarks made by one of the people in it's world.
My grandmother, tried to do her best to shelter me, but you always managed to catch me when she wasn't close by.
I remember asking you for a dime, to get some candy at the candy store, one day, and you told me to "get away from you that my grandmother was the one who took me to raise, not you".
I guess that's why the day you died, it was a relief, instead of grief. I saw my grandmother take care of you "hand and foot", during your last years, without a mumble. I know you were not feeling well, but you talked to her so mean, when she didn't do things exactly the way you wanted them. I sort of feel like she was relieved that it was over, too.
I remember going to your funeral, and standing back away from your casket, scared that you weren't really dead, and might move or come back to life and grab me. As I stood there I said in my heart and thoughts, "yeah, you can't hurt me anymore, your dead, ha ha". "You can't do nothing to me now".
That''s an awful thing for a young girl to say under her breath to a dead grandpa, lying in his casket, but it came from the heart.
I'm sorry you couldn't have enjoyed me as a child. I'm sorry I was in your way and that my mother, didn't follow your rules, and you pushed her away. I became the victim of your wrath towards my mother, and she wasn't even there. I guess that made it even worse. Either way you never gave me a chance, and always treated me like the very filthy thing you said I was. A illegitimate bastard that my mother dropped on you.
Thanks a lot, Papaw......I really needed that to start off my young life.
Sincerely
Nita Kaye